THE IRISH TIMES 7th April 0033
SELF STYLED “RABBI” EXECUTED IN JERUSALEM
PAHTSY MAGARRIA – RELIGIOUS AFFAIRS CORRESPONDENT
The self-styled “Rabbi” Jesus Christ was executed yesterday afternoon in Jerusalem after a short trial that ended with a unanimous verdict of guilty. International jurists at the trial have described the proceedings as “probably the one of the fairest trials we ever witnessed and a true sign that Israel is at last one of the most just nations on the earth today”.
The Christ story has preoccupied Israeli and international new media for over three decades. It began shortly before the birth of Jesus Christ himself when the village authorities were made aware that his mother Mary Joachim was pregnant at sixteen – two years before the age of consent. The sixteen year old had been seen frequenting the home of suspected paedophile Joseph David. David was arrested but DNA evidence was inconclusive and charges had to be dropped.
However some month’s later neighbours noticed that David’s family donkey was missing from his driveway and Mary Joachim was also missing. It later emerged that the couple had fled to the village of Bethlehem, north of Jerusalem. When Bethlehem police later searched a remote outbuilding in which the teenager and suspected paedophile had hidden they found evidence that a birth had taken place. Herodian police questioned local shepherds and it was reported some type of “rave” had taken place in the vicinity of the outbuilding at the time of the birth with loud music, flashing lights and strangely dressed people coming and going on camels. Police discovered the remains of strangely smelling substances and some foreign gold coins.
On the same night a number of young male children in the district were mysteriously murdered in their beds. The fact that David and Joachim fled to Egypt leads police to believe that they were involved in these crimes. However Israel and Egypt do not have an extradition agreement in place and the prospect of bringing the couple and their accomplices to justice in the short term is not good. King Herod spoke of the tragic events from his summer palace outside of Jesusalem saying: “I am devastated that so many of our beautiful children were slain in this cold blooded manner. My heart goes out to their parents and family. We in the government will be doing everything we can to bring the perpetrators to justice. We will not rest until the blood of our innocent children is avenged”. King Herod has received messages of support from world leaders. Pope Caiphias today asked pilgrims in Jerusalem to observe a minutes silence at 3 pm in honour of the deceased and bereaved.
After Herod’s death, a change of government and a general amnesty the Joachim-Davids were said to have made their way back to the obscure village of Nazareth. David set up business as a carpenter making furniture and other items for locals.
They disappeared from the headlines for twelve years and only came to public attention again when their son Jesus was reported missing at a Jerusalem festival. After three days Jerusalem Social Services found the child in the presbytery in the temple in the company of a number of middle and older aged priests. The presbytery housekeeper reported to Social Services and police that she had overheard the child and priests talking about things that a child of that age should not know about. She had also heard the child telling the priests that his Father had asked him to do things for him.
After an investigation and lack of evidence no action was taken against the priests and the child’s father but the Jerusalem Social Services passed a file to Children’s Services at Capernaum Borough Council in North Galilee. The Archbishop of Jerusalem Dermud Maritan said that a full internal Temple investigation would be carried out and that Temple child protection measures were more stringent than ever.
For the following eighteen years the Joachim Davids seem to fade into the woodwork and the authorities had no reason to have any concerns about any activity at Nazareth. However the local Rabbi at Nazareth, Abraham Cohen, said that he thought that it was very unusual and unhealthy for a Jewish male to be still living at home at the age of thirty and never having a girlfriend. Some neighbours commented on the amount of time Jesus spent alone with his father in the carpentry workshop at the back of the family home.
However all that was to change dramatically just three years ago. Inexplicably Jesus Christ suddenly left his Nazareth home and became overnight a homeless nomadic. He began posing as a “rabbi” and a “messiah” and visiting fishing villages along the Galilee shoreline encouraging other young men to abandon their families and jobs and embrace his own irresponsible “new age” lifestyle. He seemed to target youths from poor fishing backgrounds and the children of unpopular tax officials. He fooled some naïve comfortably off women to travel with his gang and use their inheritance for the group’s upkeep. By all accounts he had a hypnotising effect on apparently feeble-minded people and within a very short time he was the leader of what can only be described as a dangerous cult. At the village of Bethany just outside Jerusalem he persuaded three members of a local family to make their home a base for him and his followers. The family – two sisters and their brother – provided him with food and lodgings and a local shopkeeper at Bethany reported that one of the sisters, Mary, was besotted with him while the other sister Martha spent all her time and money on cooking for him and looking after his material needs. The sisters even believed that Jesus had brought their brother Lazarus back from the dead after he had been unconscious and in a fever for several days!
Another well-known associate of Christ was the keeper of a brothel at Magdala just outside of Jerusalem. He was also seen by several witnesses lying intimately on a couch beside a former young fisherman.
Matters came to a head just 6 days ago last Sunday when one of his gang stole a colt from outside a house on the outskirts of Jerusalem and Jesus rode into Jerusalem on it claiming to be the King of the Jews. For a few days hysteria spread among the city’s population and for some inexplicable reason many believed his claims to be a king and the son of God.
However on Thursday evening sense prevailed and one of his followers Judas went to the authorities and gave them the evidence they needed to finally take action against him. Apparently early on Thursday evening he had brought his followers together in a private dining room in the city and convinced them to eat human flesh and drink human blood. He was arrested later that evening in the Gethsemane district and brought for questioning. He was first arraigned before the Herodian Magistrate’s Court and committed to trial before the superior Governor’s Court. Police reported that he obstinately pleaded his innocence even in the face of intense interrogation under the Special Power’s Act. However at one point he did arrogantly proclaim himself to be the nation’s king.
He was sentenced to die by crucifixion and insisted on making his own way on foot from the prison to the place of execution at Golgatha just outside the city. On his last journey he once again played on the emotions of gathered women, including his mother. He convinced one woman locally named as Veronica to wipe his face with a towel and spoke briefly to a group of other women who became hysterical at whatever he had said to them.
He was crucified on Golgotha with two other criminals and died about 3 pm after mumbling something incomprehensible. It was interesting that most of his cultic followers had abandoned him. The only ones near him at the time of his death were the aforementioned prostitute from Magdala, the young fisherman he had been seeing lying with, his long suffering mother and his mother’s cousin.
According to government sources last night permission had been given to some of his followers to remove the body to a secret place of burial. Before his arrest he had told his followers that he would rise again after his death. It is suspected in the coming days that a small number of cult members may spread a rumour that he has indeed risen from the dead. However the same government source said that his execution will bring an end to a thirty three year saga of propaganda and scandal.
In Jerusalem today there will be great relief that the last has been seen and heard of the trouble maker from Galilee whose short life was surrounded with accusations of murder, corruption, homosexuality, paedophilia, sexual scandal, alcohol abuse and political rabble rousing. The residents of Jerusalem and Galilee can now, once again, return to the simple, respectable and quite lifestyles as God’s chosen people.