Friday, 23 October 2015



A number of Blog readers have been asking if I received any feedback from my "moles" at the Down and Connor YEAR OF MERCY conference.

My moles have not been in touch but I was surprised to receive my original application to attend back in the post. 

Obviously even having a form on file from me is something that the diocese and the LIVING CHURCH office could not cope with.

However it was the accompany letter, returning the form to me, that took the biscuit. It was from a priest called FATHER CONSTANTINE BILE.

He must be a newly ordained or a late vocation as I have never heard of him and he is not the the Down and Connor Directory of Priests.

Fr C Bile


21st October 2015.

Most Reverend Patrick Buckley
Presiding Bishop.
The Oratory Society.

My Lord Bishop,

I have been asked by the “powers that be” to return to you your FAKE application form for attendance at the Dromantine Conference for the forthcoming year of Mercy.

As a punishment for your FAKE application your fee for the event is being held and will be donated to the Diocesan Slush Fund for priests who father children and for compensation paid to the ex-lovers of gay parish priests and curates.

I take personal exception to your FAKE application on various grounds:

1.     I was making love to my own gay partner at 2 am in my presbytery when the Bishop rang me about your FAKE application. This caused me to commit two mortal sins – the sin of coitus interruptus and the sin of Onanism as I lost my seed on the carpet in the rush to answer the Bishop’s call on my mobile which was on my tall boy in the corner. I knew it was the Bishop calling because the ring tone was the one for the Bishop – the European Anthem – Ode to Joy. 
2.     Your FAKE application is making little of Pope Francis’ YEAR OF MERCY. You are long enough around in the Church to know that our MERCY only extends to those who are in full communion with Canon Law and as a heretic, a schismatic and an excommunicant you are no more entitled to God’s mercy than any ordinary  f…ing Protestant!

3.     Your FAKE application and your promotion of it in your f…ing blog caused a cloud to cover the whole Dromantine Conference. The Bishop made us all recite the Apostles Creed and take a vow not to report anything from the conference to you. He was so angry that he ordered the free bar to be closed each night at 10.30 pm meaning that those of us who always get pissed at these things had to order 10 taxis to bring us to and from the Brass Monkey in Newry – which caused us to spend £2500 of parish and diocesan money that should have been better spent on priests holidays or new items for the Bishop’s Palace in Belfast.

So all in all I hope that you are happy with what you have achieved!  You are one evil PORCUM and I hope you die roaring and end up in Hell with Martin Luther and all other Protestant Porcums.

Yours in Christ,

Father Constantine Bile
Episcopal Vicar for Conferences – ad interim, ad infinitum 


  1. What a load of schite of the highest order! I hope you have cancelled your cheque. As for the rest-The season of ghosts and goblins is upon us-Be very afraid-Boo!

  2. MourneManMichael23 October 2015 at 18:55

    I was intrigued from the outset at the cost per individual for to attend the conference: £180 residential. I say this, for in relation to the many conferences and short "out of house" residential training courses I attended while working in the public sector, the relevant costs were paid by my employers as it was viewed as part of my professional development, and in appreciation that I was giving up my own free time to further the employer's aims. The courses were, for the most part, quite intensive with preparatory papers in advance and sessions often in the evening.
    So how does the diocese view this conference: as a relevant part of the participant's work? If that is the case surely the diocese should foot the bill?

  3. It was a fabulous event - the Dromantine Synod.

    Cashing in on the popularity of Game of Thrones, being filmed at various locations throughout the diocese, the Lord Bishop intoned that this Great Diocese of Down and Connor is to engage in the remake of a popular Hammer Horror film: The Bride of Brankinstein.

    The cast will be vast and the canvas huge.

    The PP of Lenadoon - with the lovely Lena from Ladybrooke as his bride - will be in the starring roles, ably assisted by Ciaran Dallat, who will advise on the proportions of various body-parts. He will also do all the singing parts.

    The Rev Timo Bartlett is writing the script due to the extreme fertility of his imagination and his hyper-capability of spinning a 'quare yarn'. For this reason, the film will have an X cert.

    Dean Whooey O'Ceinnede and his maidservant, Nigeletina, will star as the anti-villains trying to thwart Baron Brankinstein's nefarious purposes (but, in reality, they are anti-heroes, as they are both jealous because Brankinstein's Bride could trump their own attempt to clone the ultimate "lovely guy", who sings like an angel and swims - and drinks - like a fish).

    Canon Jimmy Donaghy, PP, Maghaberry, will star throughout as the howling madman in a bricked up cell, in Castle Brankinstein, demanding to be let out.

    Fr Joe McGuigan, of Free Pizzas for Homeless Youths, will do the catering.

    Fr "Big John" McCallum will be in charge of online activity and editing.

    Fr Danny Curran is in charge of photography.

    Fr RooRoo, "I'll Be Your Private Dancer", O'Siochain, is choreographing.

    A number of junior clerics are in charge of costumes and props.

    The production, it is hoped, will be a Blockbuster, the script having been furiously written in the Brass Monkey, by a number of inspired clerics, under Timo's tutelage and discerning eye.

    It should bring in a fortune. All cheques and royalties payable to Fr Connie Bile.

    1. Any truth to the rumour that aul' HP Murphy is to be dug up, out of his grave in a carpark, to star as the actual Brankenstein Monster, for whom the Bride is intended?

      I raise this because, according to a well-informed source, Shueywhooey and Nigellatata are hoping to dig up the former PP of St Agnes', Tommy Cunningham, to play their monster.

    2. Is he buried in St malachy's coleraine?

  4. Dear Fr Bile,

    It was lovely, as ever, to see you at Dromantine and thank you for your scholarly input and invaluable insights into modern priesthood.

    I am grieved to hear of the outbreak of Onanism in your Parochial House. I do hope you have a thorough housekeeper, as semen is such a persistent stain.

    The Dean of Belfast has a never known to fail remedy for such spillages that, I'm sure, he will be delighted to share with you, if you give him a wee ring-a-ling.

    Looking forward, my dear fellow, to the next conurbation of clerical kingdoms in the very near future - hopefully, close to such a hospitable and sympathetic hostelry as the Brass Monkey.

    Yours, with the customary affectionate regards,

    Canon B. Ignatius deBalbastre.

  5. I can vouch for the efficacy of the Dean's remedy. A chorister once left a mess on a persian carpet and the Dean had hoovered it up within seconds..

  6. all joking aside when is the bishop going to sort out our parish of st peter's and get rid of that big eejit and his lover and all their hangers on who are disgracing us. It is embarassing and we deserve better than this. St peter's cathedal is a shame and a disgrace. Once a great parish it is now a shambles.

    1. Was the late Canon Cunningham the tutor of Fr James Doyle?

  7. I do not think Tommy Cunningham was ever made a Canon but he was certainly from the same stable as James Doyle. Ask Bishop Walsh, he knows.....

    1. Can you tell us more and I will also tell what I know of TC. How does Paddy Walsh know? Of course he was his PP in Andytown.

  8. Why are researchers from a TV company visiting houses in our parish asking questions and taking notes about the goings on at the cathedral. Why has the parents of a former choirboy been interviewed by the same tv company on camera? Is there a wee expose on the go.

    Mr Albert Street

    1. Let's hope so. About bloody time the carry on in St Peter's was exposed by the media.

    2. Maybe the BBC are making a sequel to that absolutely riveting series 'Queer Boys', oops, sorry, I mean 'Choir Boys', of a few years ago?

      Anyone remember that nauseating, cringe-inducing piece of telly?

      The Dean swanning around in a white boating jacket at some garden party (it wasn't Cullingtree Rd) and McClintock conducting them wee lads all singing the gay anthem - 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow'???

      You couldn't make it up.

  9. Took you a long time to get to Tom Cunningham. Me thinks things well now get interesting on here!!!!!!!

  10. It's not the bbc. Its an independent company. I know an anonymous contributor is a D+C cleric. Fact. This should be good !

    1. Ho do you go about giving an interview? I hope they are talking to the right people in the district.

  11. They will be talking to the right people. They have the pick of about 3000. They are collectively called the parishoners !!

    Mr Albert Street